Cold Grip of Love
by Kream45
Summary: Link has always strived to find true love, but he was rejected several times. His heart could not withstand another wound like this. In act of desperation, he uses dark magic to help him get what he always dreamed of.


**Hyrule Castle, cemetery, 11:58 PM**

It was almost the time for Link to cast the forbidden spell. He knew that if anyone finds out about this, there would be no hope for him. He had to try though.

Link's been thinking over this idea for many days. In the end, he came to conclusion that there was no other way.

The only things he was worried about were the dangers behind this plan. The spell is supposed to resurrect one person, but they would…

"Whatever" Link thought, "I've already decided. It is time."

He approached a grave of a person named Lily Bukkake and casted the spell. The ground quaked, and then Lily popped out from the grave.

"What's going on?" she asked, "Why am I here?"

"YES!" link shouted, "It worked!"

"Who are you?"

"My name's Link, and I've resurrected you so that you can be my girlfriend!"

"Uh-huh. But you do realize that I'm actually a corpse? I cannot eat, sleep, feel or anything like this."

"Whatever, let's fuck."

"What? You realize that first, I don't have to obey you, and second, I'm a corpse? Don't you find that creepy?"

"Nope. Don't care. I'm into that actually. Also, you don't have to obey me. Just do what I tell you."

"…"

"Come on, I have NEEDS!"

"You must be the biggest loser in the world, to try searching for a girlfriend among the dead."

"Bingo."

"Have you ever even asked a living girl out?"

"If by asking out you mean asking them to take a shit on my face, then yes, I've done it numerous times."

"Ughh, and have you ever even considered why do the girls reject you all the time?"

"Yes, and I came to conclusion that they were just scared of the size of my dick. I'm telling you, it's monstrous."

"What the fuck? Do you have any hobbies or interests? Or are you just a boring fucking idiot, who cannot hold a single conversation about anything interesting for more than five seconds?"

"Well, I like to penetrate the buttholes of random dogs and drunk whores I find on the streets."

"You're a terrible person then."

"Listen, I've had enough of your shit, now we follow my rules."

"Huh?"

AND THEN, Link grabbed her, put her on all fours and forced his dick into her ass. The asshole was very cold, but Link digs that kind of stuff. After eight hours of very pleasant cold feeling around his dick, he creampied inside and Link ascended into divinity.

He didn't even notice that it was already morning, and people came to visit the graves of their close ones. Someone recorded this and put it on television. The entire kingdom of Hyrule saw their hero fucking a dead body.

Link was hiding in a forest, and didn't forget to bring Lily with him.

"Listen dipshit, I already told you I'm not gonna stay with you." Lily said, "Untie me and let me go to my grave."

Link actually tied her up to a stone with her ass sticking out.

"Don't worry." Link smiled, "I'll make sure to return you to your grave. At some point."

"When exactly?"

" **When I'll be dying, I'll bring you there myself, bury you and lie next to you, so that we can rest in the same grave, like true lovers.** "

"Dafuq."

"I tried to sound romantic."

"It sounded lame and gay."

"Hey, I tried."

"I guess."

"Wanna do it in the butt?"

"You only do it in the butt though."

"True."

"And no matter what my response would be, you'd still do it anyway."

"That's right."

"You're the worst."

"Thank you Lily. Also, I wanted to tell you all, dear readers, that the author of this story sent numerous letters, very long letters, pages upon pages, to Nintendo, to include the character of Lily Bukkake in the next Zelda game. They replied with: ' _This is a great idea. We think this character is exactly what The Legend of Zelda franchise needs. We'll make sure to make a game centered about her, if not the next one then the one after that. Thank you for your suggestion and we'll be in touch.'_ So basically, you can expect Lily Bukkake to be in one of the next Zelda games. Kream45 is the one you should thank."

"This is so immodest and selfish."

"Shh."

"This story is so retarded I can't believe it."

"And that's why it's so good."

 **THE END**

"Hey wait a second, I didn't fucking finish!" Lily shouted.

"What else do you want to add?" Link asked.

"This story is so shit, I can't believe its author published this. Is he proud that he made this? Does he stroke his dick to the reviews of his stories?"

"Hey, that's MEAN."

"Whoever asked you for an opinion?"

"Nobody."

"Then SHUT UP. I didn't finish. This story and its author are so fucking stupid, so loathsome and sexist, I truly hope somebody will kick his ass for that."

"And racist. You forgot about racism."

"But there was no racism in this story."

"Bullshit, there's racism in each of his stories, you must have missed it."

"No, I haven't, there was none. And I'm actually kind of thankful. As a black person, I'd probably be extra triggered if I saw any…"

"Wait." Link interrupted her, "You're BLACK?!"

"Yeah?"

"No you're fucking not!"

"Yes, I am. Well, it might not seem so because I'm a corpse."

"WHAT. THE. FUCK?!"

"What's your problem?"

Link turned around and took a few steps while heavily breathing.

"I can't believe this."

"What?"

"Lily, I – I – I guess this is it. I can't fucking do this anymore."

"What the actual fuck?"

"I can't fucking believe this, **omg** , I fucked a black person, holy fuck, somebody fucking shoot me in the head."

"Why are you so racist?! I thought you were desperate for a girlfriend!"

"Not that desperate, come on, what are you even talking about. I have my standards. Very low, almost ground level, but still."

"You're a fucking piece of shit, I wish you were struck by a lightning or some shit."

And then, Link was struck by a lightning and died.

"Holy shit!" Lily screamed, "How did that happen?"

" _It's me!"_

"Who's that?"

" _It's me, the god of this world."_

"Oh. Thanks."

" _No problem. I'll release you and bring you back to life."_

And then Lily was released and brought back to life.

"Oh shit, thank you! How can I repay you, my lord?"

" _Tell everyone you meet that Kream45 is a really nice guy who hates racism and actually likes black people, and would like to meet a nice black girl. No special reason."_

"Uhh… what?"

" _Also, tell everyone that Kream45's favorite song is Michael Jackson's Black or White, and his favorite music overall is 70's disco, largely influenced by African-Americans. Also, his favorite actor is Eddie Murphy, his favorite singer is Gloria GAYnor, and he only laughs at racist jokes because the whole idea of racism is alien to him. There are no black people living in his country, so he doesn't see any harm in a few jokes about black people here and there."_

"By the way you're trying to make him look like a very nice guy, I think you're in fact Kream45, aren't you?"

"… _that's true."_

"You still suck."

" _You want a meteorite to your face?"_

"Umm…"

" _That's what I thought."_

And then Lily had no other choice but to travel around the world and tell every person she met that Kream45 is the best guy she ever met, a friend to all black people and white people alike.

 **THE END**

As a reward for reading this story, you get a ticket for all the year round buttsex with Danny DeVito, congratulations.


End file.
